have you been to america? we love sauce! (and a recipe for not chicken cordon bleu)
sorry this is so late!
Hello! I’m sorry that this is three days late (Thursday) and not on time (Monday). The holidays! They get the best of us!
As always, the recipe for this week is at the bottom (plus a video!), so if you don’t want the fluff, go get your chicken, girl.
I’m currently at 36,000 feet and two red wines in. Technically I’m two red wines and two martinis in because I got to participate in one of my most favorite holiday traditions before boarding. (Getting to the airport two hours early, drinking two dirty martinis at the airport bar, pretending to read a book of poetry, and staring out the window feeling a lot of feelings.)
The baby next to me on this plane has their feet in my lap, and their mom is asleep, and that’s ok! Babies are humans, and it’s even legal for them to be on planes—it’s cute because of the wine, and also, I couldn’t even imagine being a mother with a baby on a plane. I love and celebrate her, and now, on to episode three!
I think the best thing about this episode was all of us acting like we knew who Nick was when he was announced as the guest judge (except Brooke, she knew!). That isn’t a read. It’s just true. He’s not exactly in my oeuvre when it comes to food influencers, but boy, can he throw a knife!
Anyway, these are my favorite moments and the stuff you missed:
Stuff you didn’t see
Me topping: Ok, this is very self-indulgent, but I was in the top this week! Ask anyone! Every week when they walked in after judging, they announced the tops and bottoms before announcing the winner and the person being eliminated. They haven’t been showing that part, just the judging, which is fine! I really only mention it because….. I thought I was going home this week. After Nick’s comments about the sauce and Julia’s comments about my lackluster topping (lol), we broke for dinner and judging. I sat basically catatonic in the back, thinking I was going home. I reclined in a chair, closed my eyes, and didn’t talk to anyone. Marc and Robbie were very concerned, and Basil did his best dad pep talk, and I wasn’t having it! I’m the worst! Anyway, when we walked back into the kitchen, Jeannie was all like, and in the top this week was…. Garrett! I literally screamed, and my knees gave out, and everyone laughed. Julia asked what the big reaction was for, and I think I said, “Bitch I thought I was going home!” I’m sorry if I said Bitch to you, Julia. Moving on!
Brooke throwing a knife: So, if you didn’t know, Nick’s thing is throwing a knife into a cutting board before starting his videos. A lot of people know this. He has millions of followers! Brooke is one of those millions, and before judging, she asked the culinary team if they could bring back out a chef’s knife for her. I was like…. Brooke… you are serving tacos?? What the hell do you need a 9-inch knife for? Is she going to try and kife a judge? It’s not that kind of show! Ultimately, when she presented her dish, she stabbed the cutting board a la Nick. Sad it didn’t make the cut (lol)!
What is soup, anyway? Ok, so they did show a little of this, but Nick was veryyyyyy confused by Robbie’s Thanksgiving soup. It was “disjointed,” and he “didn’t get it” because there were meatballs in the broth? I’m not entirely sure, but we were all kind of like… does he know what soup is? Pho sometimes has meatballs, and, as Robbie mentioned, so does Italian Wedding soup… I mean, even Chef Boyardee throws a ball or two around. Unclear what the confusion was, but it was funny nonetheless!
My favorite moments
The gay alliance: A small moment but one that really made me smile was the choosing order for the Test Challenge. March chose me, and I chose Robbie… obviously. A lot of friends texted me things along the lines of, I SEE WHAT YOU GIRLS ARE DOING!! And, well, yeah! I loved everyone on the show, but I’m not gonna lie—it was really special to go through it with a couple of new friends who understand things differently. There was something comforting about having other queer people in the kitchen with me! Now I’m crying on a plane!
Bitch! I didn’t even notice this, but when Jeannie announces the Test challenge, and they pan on our reactions, I visibly mouth “bitch” right on camera. I watched this episode with my family, and my sister was like, wait, rewind, what did you just say there? We rewound, and lo and behold. I am sorry, Freevee and ATK!! I am a sweet angel, I promise!
Marc’s win: I mean, let’s be honest, was there anyone else you could have envisioned cooking with Julia on an episode of Julia at Home? I would have been happy for anyone to win, but selfishly I just want to see Marc in Julia’s kitchen with a glass of champagne, really going for it. Honestly, I don’t need them to cook at all. I just want to see them together in matching neck scarves, talking the talk.
The recipe
I made a video if you're a visual learner!
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Like I said in the episode, chicken cordon bleu is never saucy enough for me, it’s never crunchy enough for me. It’s never really…. it. I know I’m biased, but I do think this is IT. It’s crunchy. It’s zingy. It’s cheesy. It’s saucy—it’s got it all.
Eat it with some crusty bread and a sauteed or wilted or roasted green veggie to enjoy the OUTRAGEOUS AMOUNTS OF SAUCE. Trust me. It’s worth it.
My order of activities here would be topping, sauce, chicken. Do whatever makes you happy!
The topping: ingredients
A sleeve (or half a sleeve, if you just have some open) of whatever crackers you have. I used Saltines on the show, and recently, I used those kind of buttery rectangle Keibler ones. What I explained on the show was, this is meant to be weeknight friendly in that you can make a crunchy topper out of anything. If you’ve got panko, use that! Whatever!
½ tbs red chili flake
1 tsp dried oregano (or sage, or basil, whatever dried herb you like best will probably work)
Kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste
Olive oil
The topping: method
In a large-ish pan over medium-high heat (this is also what you’ll build your sauce in), crumble your crackers into a semi-fine, chunky, rough sand (it’s up to you!).
Drizzle over about a tablespoon or so of olive oil, then toss to coat. Sprinkle in your chili flake, oregano, salt, and pepper. Mix it all around and let it start to brown. It shouldn’t take too long, maybe 3-5 minutes, depending on how far you want to take it and how buttery the crackers you’re using already are.
Once they reach your desired level of toastiness, dump them into a bowl and set them aside. Wipe out your pan and get ready to get saucy, baby.
The sauce: ingredients
4 or 5 pieces of prosciutto (not technically part of the sauce but used here!)
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
4 tbs butter
4 tbs flour
3 cups milk
2 cups grated gruyere cheese
The sauce: method
Over medium heat, drizzle about a tablespoon of oil into the same pan you toasted your crackers in, then add your prosciutto. It’s kind of like frying bacon, but this will happen a lot faster! Flip it a couple of times, but after about two minutes, it should be nice and crispy. Pull it out and set it aside.
There should be some brown bits at the bottom of the pan (fond!). Drop in the butter and onions and use the liquid from that to scrape up those bits. Sweat down your onions for a couple minutes—just until their a little translucent but not entirely soft.
Now add your flour and make sure it’s incorporated, and cook for two or three minutes. You don’t want it to be dark brown like a rue, but you don’t want it to have that raw flour taste either. Once it’s a little golden, add your milk. Some people might recommend warming it beforehand, you can do that if you want! I don’t!
Stir constantly to combine, and once you see some bubbles forming, add the cheese. Keep stirring! Add salt and pepper to taste. If your sauce looks a little thick for your liking, go ahead and add some more milk. Once it’s in a good place, turn the heat down to low and set it aside.
The chicken: ingredients
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, pounded thin
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 lemon, cut into wedges or cheeks or halves or quarters, it’s up to you
The chicken: method
Bistec de pollo is my favorite meal from this Cuban restaurant called Las Vegas in my hometown. This chicken is me doing my best to make that chicken. It’s pounded-out chicken breast, seasoned really well, and then seared high and fast on both sides. I love it. Make it for this dish or literally anytime you want quick chicken. It is the only suitable and delicious way to cook boneless, skinless chicken breasts, and you can quote me on that!
Anyway, put the chicken breasts one at a time between two sheets of parchment paper, plastic wrap, or whatever. Using a tool of some kind (I use a rolling pin because that’s what I’ve got), pound the chicken out to be about ¼ of an inch thick. Season on both sides with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper.
Heat a cast iron (or pan of your choice) over medium-high heat. Add a tablespoon or so of neutral oil (canola, vegetable, grapeseed, whatever), and then one at a time, cook your chicken breasts. They should take just about two to three minutes per side and be nice and golden. The second breast may cook a little faster than the first, so adjust the heat of your stove as necessary.
After the chicken is done, set it aside to rest for a few minutes. While the chicken is resting, select the vessel for your dish. There’s a lot of sauce, so something with higher sides is probably best. If you’re one of those girls who has a plate that looks like a bowl but is actually a plate, this is your moment to shine!
Fill the vessel up most of the way with your sauce, and then nestle your chicken right down in there. Top with the crackers, prosciutto, and maybe a leafy herb if you’ve got it. When you’re ready to eat, squeeze that lemon down over the top and enjoy! Not chicken cordon blue!
Adding this to my menu for next week!!! Also love watching you on the show! Makes me think back fondly of our middle school drama club days during Godspell 😂